tanhaSome Thoughts about Jealousy
April 19th 2007 15:02
How I love the Christian way, where couples are taught to prefer one another, ie to consider the other's feeling before ones own and not to do that which hurts the other.
Some will say this is too confining. Why should I not go out with other men (or women) alone to lunch? Answer: because you wouldn't like your partner doing that to you. (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you).The question is, what is important to you? Is it time re-igniting old flames (which burn), or is this relationship and all it could become of greater importance? You can't have it both ways. In other words, flirting outside of one's primary relationship stinks and is calculated to destroy it. There is no sound reason why a "partner" should be required to put up with it. This "right to stretch the tolerance boundaries" is hypothetical and stupid if one hopes for a relationship to flourish. Jealousy is a right and proper feeling when rightly applied. It is justice (or fairness) outraged.
Of course jealousy must be contained if it is only the outcome of fear. That is a misuse of jealousy. Satan has two powerful weapons - lies and fear - and anything that is attached to either of those is destructive to the personality and its relationships. One can possibly learn to recognise the origin of the jealousy (actual flirtation, or fear of flirtation) in order to know how to treat it This is difficult when flirtation has already bruised one's soul, yet not impossible.
Perhaps the thing to remember is that you can't use jealousy (or anything else) to control a partner. All you can do is to choose (1) what boundaries you will apply to your relationship - what is acceptable to you and what is not, (2) where the unacceptable limit (point on the continuum) is for you, and (3) what happens when that cut-off point is reached.
The other point might be to keep firmly in mind what vision you have for your relationship. A man or woman without vision is poor indeed. Knowing clearly what is important for you in relationship (write it down, perhaps) will help you to know how to go about creating (or waiting for) the best possible scenario. What we will tolerate - put up with - is what we'll get! Is this the defining criterion for you? I think not! While no relationship is going to be perfect, and every relationship needs constant effort to make it flourish, (just like a garden!) it's certainly worth carefully selecting where that effort is going to be invested!
"What about my sex life in the meantime?" you might well ask. The way you treat others is the treatment you will draw towards yourself. You are prepared to abuse another by sex without commitment to the emotional welfare of the other? Then expect to be treated the same way yourself. Not only that, but expect to lose your sensitivities to the deeper possibilities of relationship when you treat it lightly. If you are willing to pour water all over your piano, don't expect it to be fine-tuned when you wish to play exquisite music at a later date!
Some will say this is too confining. Why should I not go out with other men (or women) alone to lunch? Answer: because you wouldn't like your partner doing that to you. (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you).The question is, what is important to you? Is it time re-igniting old flames (which burn), or is this relationship and all it could become of greater importance? You can't have it both ways. In other words, flirting outside of one's primary relationship stinks and is calculated to destroy it. There is no sound reason why a "partner" should be required to put up with it. This "right to stretch the tolerance boundaries" is hypothetical and stupid if one hopes for a relationship to flourish. Jealousy is a right and proper feeling when rightly applied. It is justice (or fairness) outraged.
Of course jealousy must be contained if it is only the outcome of fear. That is a misuse of jealousy. Satan has two powerful weapons - lies and fear - and anything that is attached to either of those is destructive to the personality and its relationships. One can possibly learn to recognise the origin of the jealousy (actual flirtation, or fear of flirtation) in order to know how to treat it This is difficult when flirtation has already bruised one's soul, yet not impossible.
Perhaps the thing to remember is that you can't use jealousy (or anything else) to control a partner. All you can do is to choose (1) what boundaries you will apply to your relationship - what is acceptable to you and what is not, (2) where the unacceptable limit (point on the continuum) is for you, and (3) what happens when that cut-off point is reached.
The other point might be to keep firmly in mind what vision you have for your relationship. A man or woman without vision is poor indeed. Knowing clearly what is important for you in relationship (write it down, perhaps) will help you to know how to go about creating (or waiting for) the best possible scenario. What we will tolerate - put up with - is what we'll get! Is this the defining criterion for you? I think not! While no relationship is going to be perfect, and every relationship needs constant effort to make it flourish, (just like a garden!) it's certainly worth carefully selecting where that effort is going to be invested!
"What about my sex life in the meantime?" you might well ask. The way you treat others is the treatment you will draw towards yourself. You are prepared to abuse another by sex without commitment to the emotional welfare of the other? Then expect to be treated the same way yourself. Not only that, but expect to lose your sensitivities to the deeper possibilities of relationship when you treat it lightly. If you are willing to pour water all over your piano, don't expect it to be fine-tuned when you wish to play exquisite music at a later date!
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