tanhaReady to Marry?
December 6th 2006 12:14
More than anything else in life your partner needs to be your friend. If you haven’t got a friend, you’ve got nothing. Unless you can work as a team, you wont get anywhere. Good-looking, rich, cool and trendy, intellectual or sporty, will, by themselves, let you down. Someone who knows how to be a friend makes for a better , longer-lasting marriage.
In order to find a real friend, you need to become a real friend. Friendship is a two-way thing. Friendship is being there for the other, taking more care of the other person’s interest than even your own. You need to be able to see things from the point of view of the other person, how things affect them, how things appear to them. It’s important to be able to work as a team, achieving together what you could not so easily achieve alone. You can learn these principles at work by thinking in terms of the goals of the whole group, not simply your own. Developing such skill is essential to creating a great marriage partnership.
Then, you need shared interests with a partner, because this encourages communication. Many sound marriages find partnership in terms of common workplace, because the workplace expresses their strong prioities, eg teachers or doctors might marry, or artists, or athletes, or those with agricultural interests.
Shared values are most important, because if you conflict in the area of values then misery ensues. One loves shopping while the other prefers the outdoors. One wants five children while the other wants none! One has strong faith and the other doesn’t want to know about it. Difference can be soul destroying. At this level know yourself is the important thing. This means you have developed your lifestyle and are keenly aware of your aims and goals, and able to identify someone who can share them. What are the things you most value? Write down all the things you value, and then put them in order of priority. Your partner should accord with these things if you want to thrive as a team.
Communication is essential. Be a skillful listener (this is an art that can be developed) and also be able to express your own feelings. Develop form of expression – writing, drawing, speaking, music, so that you have ways to express yourself. Your partner will need also to be a good listener and sharer.
Finally, cut out any manipulation, pushing of buttons, domination, need to control other people (controlling things is permissible, but controlling other people has a terrible effect on intimacy).
If s/he wants sex without marriage, then you know there’s no commitment, and the relationship is really only until something better comes along. This is abuse – even though everybody’s doing it! You don’t get a car or a house without commitment. Are you of lesser importance? OK So you trade in the car or the house later on. Do you want to be featured on the trade-in list? With a broken heart and a bitter, angry spirit? Or are you the one who calmly walks away and says “Get a Life” in cruel, hard, unfeeling tones. Are you happy with that? Your children won’t be! Old fashioned marriage is the appropriate relationship Children prosper better in a good marriage and so do the partners if they know their relationship is secure. God was no fool to establish marriage as inviolate. He wanted sound, “holy” (meaning ‘whole’, not psychologically damaged) children.
50% of marriages work. (The same is not true of other relationships) Go for it. Go for the best.
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Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
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Comment by Bhumika
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Comment by Helen's House
Hopefully this info is helpful. However, I think people need to think through what they want in a relationship long before they get to "fall in love". Once the "in love" syndrome occurs it is very hard to think clearly, because the emotions are already involved and that effects body chemistry and powers of reason and logic.
I long to see people prepare their thoughts about marriage long before a possible relationship presents itself, so that it can be assessed properly in terms of whether what it has to offer will be satisfactory in the long term. This is an area that needs to be addressed during teen years. Skills can be practiced (eg listening skills, sharing skills,)
There are so many issues that need to be understood - the essential differences of male and female and the part they separately play infamily life, the whole range of diseases including aids that are 'available' to those who practice multiple relationships. There is some excellent literature on relationhip planning in Christian bookshops that people can access, and this is invaluable teenage reading. Planning relationships is so important. It's not just a case of "falling in love" and then falling out again. One's whole mental stability is at stake here. Imagine the trials of those who fall pregnant without the security of a marriage, the choices they have to face, and chances of stress over very long periods and the chances of a depressive illness. This doesn't have to happen! Right relationship planning can avoid all this. Well planned marriage is the pinnacle of sound relationship planning and should be everyone's objective.
Hallo, Bhumika.
Thank you for your responsiveness to my post. Congratulations on your marriage and may you seek and receive much wisdom to guide you through the years in peace, joy and success.
You have seen the importance of communication. You do well to want to study to undersand the 'male brain'! Again, may I suggest you look into a Christian bookshop and find the many valuable offerings about communication. The books on the five languages of love are incredible. There is a wealth of literature on many, many facets of marriage that will boost your understanding and personal strength to underpin your marriage with wisdom. Somewhere near you there should be a church with groups for young marrieds where together you can share experiences and growth. That would be of great benefit. Women can be amazing! They are like the undercarriage of the waggon - they actualy hold things together. (Mind you, if the undercarriage buckles the waggon is in great trouble, so she needs to know her sources of strength. Faith in Jesus is very powerful in this respect.)
"Wisdom to you both!"
Helen