tanhaTo Conform or Not to Conform. That is the Question!
October 13th 2006 12:25
Many people are complaining that children are so pressured by society that they must go the other way from conformity into non-conformity, or disobedience.
I beg to differ. What I see is that children need to know the limits of behaviour in society. They will, in fact, “push the buttons of parents” or stretch the limits as far as they are permitted. If they are not restrained they will actually feel neglected and uncared for and become rebellious and angry. If they are restrained, and the family climate is highly communicative (has lots of time for the children and interested in their activities and concerns) then the children don’t have so much need to rebel against conformity, but rather they are able to work with the adults around them and achieve their goals.
I agree that I’m speaking in generalities here, and that there are instances where this doesn’t seem correct. Every personal case is unique of course. I’m talking about general trends.
We have a lot more non-conformity these days in which children are “edutained” (educated by entertainment) at school, not effectively disciplined at home or at school, and society seems afraid to expect them to attain standards, pass examinations, receive % type feedback on performance. They seem to think this is having respect for children!
I think this is underestimating children gravely. They are incredibly intelligent and will use our fears against us very quickly to manipulate us to their immediate advantage. We need to lead them, rather than the other way around, (ie rather than pander to them) and show them the best ways to live and achieve, and communicate effectively. We need to expect children to respect the senior generations, because therein is a lot of wisdom and insight that they couldn’t possibly have, even at 18 years of age! Each child should be taught to look for mentors in the areas of his interest, and attach himself to them, and learn from them. It will save them terrible mistakes and heaps of time re-inventing the wheel. If parents are unable to fill the bill, then someone else in our community can.
I don’t think it’s pressure to conform that is the main culprit in producing non-conformity. I think it’s ignorance of the best way of achieving what the young person needs and a lack of deep relationship with older people during formative years. I believe that every child needs time with someone who values them, has faith in what they can achieve and is willing to talk straight with them and share experiences.
More than that, I believe each child needs to believe in something bigger than himself or herself (unlearned as s/he is), and that something should be our Creator, Truth as an absolute, and Jesus Christ, the perfect Son of Man, also Son of God.. Ultimately Jesus sets the pace!
I beg to differ. What I see is that children need to know the limits of behaviour in society. They will, in fact, “push the buttons of parents” or stretch the limits as far as they are permitted. If they are not restrained they will actually feel neglected and uncared for and become rebellious and angry. If they are restrained, and the family climate is highly communicative (has lots of time for the children and interested in their activities and concerns) then the children don’t have so much need to rebel against conformity, but rather they are able to work with the adults around them and achieve their goals.
I agree that I’m speaking in generalities here, and that there are instances where this doesn’t seem correct. Every personal case is unique of course. I’m talking about general trends.
We have a lot more non-conformity these days in which children are “edutained” (educated by entertainment) at school, not effectively disciplined at home or at school, and society seems afraid to expect them to attain standards, pass examinations, receive % type feedback on performance. They seem to think this is having respect for children!
I think this is underestimating children gravely. They are incredibly intelligent and will use our fears against us very quickly to manipulate us to their immediate advantage. We need to lead them, rather than the other way around, (ie rather than pander to them) and show them the best ways to live and achieve, and communicate effectively. We need to expect children to respect the senior generations, because therein is a lot of wisdom and insight that they couldn’t possibly have, even at 18 years of age! Each child should be taught to look for mentors in the areas of his interest, and attach himself to them, and learn from them. It will save them terrible mistakes and heaps of time re-inventing the wheel. If parents are unable to fill the bill, then someone else in our community can.
I don’t think it’s pressure to conform that is the main culprit in producing non-conformity. I think it’s ignorance of the best way of achieving what the young person needs and a lack of deep relationship with older people during formative years. I believe that every child needs time with someone who values them, has faith in what they can achieve and is willing to talk straight with them and share experiences.
More than that, I believe each child needs to believe in something bigger than himself or herself (unlearned as s/he is), and that something should be our Creator, Truth as an absolute, and Jesus Christ, the perfect Son of Man, also Son of God.. Ultimately Jesus sets the pace!
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Comment by Deorre
Stress Alive
Man Lessons
Interesting, this.
Comment by Helen's House
Thank you for your interest. You suggest that a child's job is to push llimits because that's how they fo;rge their identities. I agree that pushing limits is a mechanism given to children by which they learn what is "the go", what they can get away with, how far they can test things out. In fact without this technique it is difficult to imagine them learning anything at all! That is, in fact, what everybody does, entrepreneurs, for example, with a new business idea have to test it against the market place to discover how viable that idea is and what they need to change in order to make it viable. Withouth this technique, nothing would be discovered, nothing would be invented, because it begs the feedback from the community or the physical (or emotional, or even spiritual) environment in order to measure current success. The technique itself is not the problem
Actually it's the feedback that is the problem. If the feedback is inappropriate to the situation, then the wrong balance is struck. So if a child is not "Managed" correctly, then he or she will operate in a poor quality of feedback and integrate behaviours that are not necessarily in his or her best interest. This is where parents' management skills are paramount, because they are establishing a whole future behaviour pattern for their child.
Now, if I am testing an idea in the market place, I usually get appropriate feedback on what I am doing, and can adjust to that. Maybe I need more advertising, or to improve the product in some respect, or to find better sales strategies. Whatever way it goes, I can't actually argue with the feedback from the market place because that's how it is! However, when you are dealing with a child's psyche, you have to get the feedback process right. If a product doesn't suit the market it simply won't sell. If a child doesn't learn how to be successful in dealing with relationships, he or she is stuck with failure for life (short of a miracle). This, of course, brings in anger, hurt and all sorts of other issues. So correct response to the child's attempts to push limits is essential. Wisdom needed!
The Bible says several things all of which have great value. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" indicates theneed of proper constraints on the children's normal testing behaviour. "Fathers, don't over-correct your children lest they rebel (go non-conformist!). Father in particular are required to judge the right balance of constraint and encouragement. Encouragement is one of the great requirements of Christians, but that doesn't mean people should be allowed to get away with everything they try out is it is not acceptable behaviour. As always, it's the balance that is crucial. Reality in the feedback area is the appropriate responsive tool to testing behaviour, either in children or adults, or the marketplace.
Hope that helps.
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
The world is becoming too soft when it comes to their children!!
Ash
Comment by Helen's House
Yes, children need consequence as much as they need opportunity and inspiration, and the mentors to lead them wisely. It's time we took these responsibilities personally again, as we can't just leave it to schools to get it wrong behind our backs. We need total involvement!
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
I was talking to an 11 year old the other day about having detention. I was 15 and remember wearing a necklace to school when I knew I wasnt allowed to and I got a double detention for it. As a punishment I had to move railway sleepers off the tennis court and sweep up all the leaves. It was hard work, especially for a girl (those railway sleepers were heavy!). And what was her reply? WELL WHY DIDNT YOU SUE THEM?Is that the message that our children are getting today? If you don`t like something just sue someone over it. And did it do me any wrong? NO! Did I ever wear a necklace to school again? NO! I had learnt my lesson, I had learnt that in life you doing something that you KNOW is wrong and there is a price to pay for it.
EVeryone needs to just calm down and go back to good old fashioned morals and values and let children becomes children again and adults become adults and let the line between the two be clearly defined.
Ash
Comment by Helen's House
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
Bring back the R-E-S-P-E-C-T I say!
Ash